I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
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It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Not all heroes wear capes…
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Haha good job!!
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
Her: Penny for your thoughts?
Me: Oh. I was just wondering if pears ever became sentient, do you think they’d have body image issues?
Her:
Me:
Her: Can I have my money back please?!
*pronounces patio like ratio
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.