due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
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dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Nope, that’s a tampon. Another tampon. Tampon. Jesus, how many tampons do I have in here?!
-me trying to blindly grab the chapstick in my purse
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
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I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions