{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
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Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
I knife through the icy water like a shark. The spectators gasp in awe. Mall security struggles to drag me fully-clothed from the fountain.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
So few educational toys today! As a kid, my Tonka dump truck taught me not to pinch the shit out of my finger between two metal parts.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.