COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
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I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
My wife says I’ve left the toilet seat up “like a bajillion times” but I’m contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?