Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
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I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”
Half of my Avengers socks have disappeared
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
“our sushi is very fresh”
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
a god among men
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Fairly sure most parole boards are more lenient than my wife in deciding who gets our holiday card
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.