Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
When I die, I want to donate my hands and feet to become the hands and feet of a snowman so people will think “Wow that snowman has a person inside!” But as it slowly melts they will realize that it’s just my severed hands and feet.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Her: mmmm Look at all this cheesy goodness.
Him: (a rat) Only from the finest mousetraps my love.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Not all heroes wear capes…
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
normalize having existential bread
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!