Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
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Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
The Five Sizes of Penises:
1. Small
2. Medium,
3. Large,
4. Oh My God!…and
5. Is that available in white??
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.