If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream