This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
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brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
Friend: wow you can actually sing!
Me at 2 beers: lol stfu
Me at 9 beers: we are a band now
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.
I’ve been drinking.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.