Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
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Morningbreath
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Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*