If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
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I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
And bowling should be called pinball
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”