*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
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I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
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“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
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Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
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Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
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Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Sometimes I think my dog wishes he had a middle finger.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
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ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville