Woke up at 6 & went for a jog before hitting the gym for an hour. Now I’m back home, making up a bunch of absolute bullshit about my morning
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Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
best review i’ve ever seen
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.