I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
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Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
TYRION: People love stories. And no one has a better story than Bran
ARYA, WHO LEARNED SHAPE-SHIFTING AND MURDERED THE INVINCIBLE ICE KING OF DEATH: Bran has what now
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I didn’t realize that “sow your wild oats” is a metaphor, so I pretty much spent my early twenties farming.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!