Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
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No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I just took my two Dachshunds out for a run and I got passed by a dude riding a skateboard being pulled by two Huskies like some sort of ridiculous Southern California Iditarod and to be honest it looked way more fun than what I was doing.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.