Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
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me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Worth a try
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.