that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision
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Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
Happy 3 year anniversary to the time that I was standing in front of the castle in Magic Kingdom and I got the call from my gyno that I had chlamydia and had to go pick up my meds from the DISNEY PHARMACY and my mom called it the “clappiest place on earth”
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
old man watching me duck to get off a bus in tokyo laughed and said ‘you are too tall for this you are like a big carrot’
guess i’m a roast carrot now
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.