Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
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Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
Me: I made the best decision at that time with the information available
Narrator: he plugged his ears and said “la la la la” at the time
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.