My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
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Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty