I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
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Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
*turns on Barry White*
*lights a candle*
*dims the light*Doctor: So…have you ever had a rectal exam before?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I got halfway through writing an email to a company letting them know that their bag of trailmix didn’t contain any of the chocolate chips advertised on the bag before remembering that I have two kids.
me as a parent
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
very niche meme I made
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers