itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
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Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Born to be mild.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
Me: If you could sleep with —
Wife: Ryan Reynolds!
Me: –the window opened a little bit, I would appreciate it.
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
Florida be like…
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
[first date with a therapist]
ME: so, tell me about myself
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.