*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
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I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
BRAKING NEWS!!
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.