*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
You Might Also Like
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
The first rule of Tall Girl Club is we must introduce ourselves by telling eachother where we were able to find pants
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic
Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.