I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
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When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
If you want my kids to actually act thankful on Thanksgiving serve kraft mac n cheese, goldfish and apple
juice.
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
i’m still crying at this
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.