[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Friend: OMG! What happened to your hands?!
Me, thinking about how I burned them pulling a naan apart: oh I was grilling a steak and the flames were out of control.
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS