Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
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I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
Me: I hate seeing you like this.
Coworker: Like how?
Me: In person
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!