Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
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If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
I’m giving up ice.
Woke up against my better judgment again
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Cats are still liquid.
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”