date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
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IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”
She gets it..
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
Mysteries of #Gravity: Why Bullock’s hair, in otherwise convincing zero-G scenes, did not float freely on her head.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
Help Wanted
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
Tastes like chicken.
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.