M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
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*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
That was easy.
Good morning
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
6 FEET MEANS 6 MF FEET! 😂😩🔥
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“