me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
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When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
…żyje?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.