[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
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me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.
Just saw I am Legend for the first time and found it completely implausible when there was no reference to any toilet paper shortage.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Fitness update: I rode a bike yesterday, and today it feels like I’m smuggling a baseball
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: I got stabbed!!!
Me: is there a family history of being stabbed?
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: If you bit your brother again, you’re grounded.
Son: But I’m already grounded. WE’RE ALL GROUNDED!!!!!!
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.