Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
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My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel