On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
You Might Also Like
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
“Nothing is certain, except death and taxis.”
Don’t you mean “ta– *gets run over by a cab*
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.