A gym so fancy they call it a James.
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So the ex texted me
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Her: Be a dear and hand me that cup.
Me: *jumps in front of a car*
Her: Dear, not deer.
My soul floating away: Craaaaap.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower