Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
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School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Some days I think I’m brilliant.
Other days I ask myself if there’s a “u” in forty.
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.