Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
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You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Best table by far
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Pro tip:
Don’t go to knife fights. Then you never have to worry about what to bring.
My arc would have been filled with wolves. I would have made a terrible Noah.
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS