During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
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a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit