If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
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Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
Me: I’m going to bed after this episode.
Netflix: Hahahahahaha! Sure. Ok.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope