4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
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the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I’m already scared
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
Every family has a crazy aunt.
Me: Our family doesn’t have one of those.
My sisters’ families:
Me:
My brothers’ families:
Me: Oh.
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?