This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
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Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.