I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
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Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Optional boss fight.
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
me: is there anything i can say to stop you from leaving
wife: no
me: no
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.