Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
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Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.