Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
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One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
The CDC says it’s a small boulder the size of a large boulder.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!