When did white people become such fucking pussies?
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“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes