My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
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whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
My life coach traded me.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Smells like a challenge to me
I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no