Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
wife: i鈥檓 going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Southern women don鈥檛 outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can鈥檛 put on a flip flop.
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 馃攢 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
good work, detective
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
My dad.
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
Don鈥檛 go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I can’t believe the tasteless and offensive things some people tweet.
Seriously, I just saw a recipe for homemade mac n cheese.. they only used one kind of cheese馃槼 and they didn’t put the bread crumble on top!!
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong