Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
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cop: [making list of animals that escaped]
zookeeper: “the tigers should be your top priority”
cop: [scribbling out ducks] “obviously”
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
Guy at the urinal next to me was pee moaning so loud, I thought he was going to breakout into an Adele song.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year