Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
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The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
Okay
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.