Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. đ
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Husband âI thought you were dieting?â
Me âI amâ
Husband âYou just ate 6 Oreosâ
Me âYes but I want to eat 12. See – Dietingâ
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: Thatâs because you only have 1 brain.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Apparently âmake it to retirementâ is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
Warning to friends:
If you piss me off I’ll put a for sale sign in my yard and list your phone number to call for inquiries.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
My kid keeps saying âWhen you were alive back in the 1900âsâŚ.â
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
Every kid in my second graderâs class is assigned a âjobâ each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is âtech supportâ because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone whoâs going to own more animals.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”