My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
this is the best interaction on twitter
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.